Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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