Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize