She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
