She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
