I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
