Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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