I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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