I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
