He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
