Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
