Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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