life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
