found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
