Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
