I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
