She is in my trunk
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
