I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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