So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize