kristin has been a bad kristin
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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