this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
