It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
