You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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