I cannot find my penis.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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