I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
