I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
