I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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