dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
