I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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