i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
