If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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