Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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