There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
