I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
