I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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