my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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