even my farts smell like vagina
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
being pregnant is like rehab
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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