mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
