Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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