Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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