the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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