I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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