never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
