I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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