Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
