Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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