My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
