so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
