It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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