put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
