a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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