in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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