So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
