The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize