he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
