Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize