So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
